IT's Your Letters

18th February

Can you tell me if you will be changing your tactics for the Wycombe Town fixture?

Anon

The Boss Says - I'm sorry but you might be a spy. I can say though, we may see a change between the sticks.

24th December 1998

To Wendover Arms FC,

After looking over your match reviews it seems you really know what you're looking for in the team as Manager.
However, Is there any truth in the rumour round the campfire that you have completed the signing of an unknown Gloucstershire player for your defence to start playing early in 1999?
The word is that he is a cross between Stam the Man and Wes Brown, a skilled hardman who holds his ground.
Could you shed some light on this?

Mr A. Ferguson, Moss Side

The Boss says - Thanks for your letter. Well, I can say that I have been up to Gloucester to see this defender. However Mr Ferguson, you can keep splashing out your �10m for players of Stam's class. (Man Ure have conceded the third most number of goals in the Premiership to date). What a purchase that was eh?
The player you are referring to is K Singh. Yes he is class, but like your Wes Brown he is a product of our Youth Team and is regarded a valuable member of the squad already. Singh started his trade on the mean streets of West Central Wycombe (Green Street) and then showing great promise Singh moved further a field covering Wycombe, Marlow, The RAF Base Naphill and the local University providing a quality distribution. This quick success as we all know can takes it's toll when it comes too quickly, take Gascoigne for example. But since Singh has been admitted to a Posthouse Rehabilitation Clinic for severe Beer Purchasing Evasion he has been working hard on his fitness levels, this alone will serve well to a side which is improving all the time but still lacking in fitness.
It is going to be a hard decision to make when the time comes for K Singh's return to the side on whose place he will take. It just means the current players have a reminder that nobodys position is a guarantee.

20th December 1998

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am concerned about my ability to play football and socialise with my teammates because of my unfeasibly small feet. I think I'm OK - I mean, I can hold the ball up and take players on, and I can even strike a ball (with my right foot anyway, which is bigger).
But I don't feel I fit in with the social scene because of them. After the game, down the pub, everybody ignores me - I think it's because of my feet. Well, it's either that or because I walk around with my cock hanging out.
I would appreciate some supportive words.
Yours hopefully

C. Barnett, Midfield

The Boss says - Hmmm..this is a tricky one. The small feet syndrome is not nice and it seems to me that it has taken a serious effect on your football & social life. I would suggest you seek to professional help for this. I once knew a lad who had a small dose of SFS (small feet syndrome) and he was emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. Seek help now before it's too late otherwise you might find yourself contemplating suicide.

15th December 1998

To Wendover Arms FC

Is there any truth in the rumours of Choorah 'the boy' Singh making a dream move to the Liverpool defence?
If true, what are your plans for spending the alleged �1.99 transfer fee?

Lord Snooty, Snootyville

The Boss says - So this story has been leaked. I was wondering how long that would take. Well, I can confirm that Monsieur Houllier contacted me earlier this week with regards to Singh's potential move to Anfield. Happily I can say that they could not agree personal terms. Apparently, Houllier was expecting Singh to work Part-time in McDonalds to subsidise his wages.

14th December 1998

To The Wendover Arms FC

My mate here tells me that your current league position has fuck all to do with tactics or fitness. He reckons that the other 10 players are just shite. Is there any truth to this?

Mr J. Conmy, Coventry

The Boss says - Fortunately there is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever. I have managed to clear out all the dead wood since taking charge. If your mate attended training more often then he would a) Understand our tactics & b) Improve his fitness. But it is only the shite players who have to train, right? Wrong!

12th December 1998

To Wendover Arms FC

Have you considered changing from a 4-3-3 to a 3-5-2 to have a more attacking team using  wing backs?

Mr G. Hoddle, (formerly of England)

The Boss says - You can't have much Sunday league experience son. Do you realise how fit players need to be to run up and down the line all day? Unless my players want to play on a pitch covered with sick and god knows whatever else they have consumed the night before, then I will keep the formation as it is. We are improving and the players are now familiarising themselves with their positions, that I would be a fool to change anything as fundamental as team formation now. Keep the faith lad, we will take three points sooner than you think.

10th December 1998

Dear Mr Manager,

On the 6th December you picked an unknown talent, Bruce, to play in goal. Can you tell me your logic behind this decision?

Anonymous

The Boss says - Good point, and nice to see you showing an interest in my tactical decisions. I felt that we have a good goalie in Richard, but he appeared to be a bit too complacent in the first few games of the season. He needed a kick up the arse and Bruce provided me with it. At the end of the day we are all keen to play football and any squad of any team will prosper when there is healthy competition for places. The squad is now up to 18 players so my expectations from the players will rise as more players compete for the starting line up. But yes Bruce did have a disappointing game.           

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